Forgiveness is easier said than done. As adults, we find it difficult to forgive and therefore, we tend to neglect this area in our children. We take it for granted that they will learn it with experience or we just stop at statements such as, “Now forgive your brother/sister,” and close the matter. A handshake or a hug and the matter is solved.  However, the matter is closed for that moment leaving a storm within the child. They don’t know how to handle the frustration, anger, shame that they go through because of the injustice they faced.

I personally always marvel at people like Joseph and Daniel in the Bible who went through so much injustice yet they chose to forgive and move on ahead. I wonder how they did it and come to one conclusion every time – their relationship with God mattered more than anything around them. They trusted the Living God of Israel so much that they knew He alone would get them justice.

Technically there cannot be pointers that you should do and not do to teach your children to forgive but it is one lifestyle in Christ that they will replicate, adapt and live it. The life of Joseph and Daniel shows us how they put on the character of God and could forgive. However, to streamline things and give you a jumpstart to begin this process in your family below are a few points that can help you.

Kindness is the fruit of the Spirit and we relate kindness to just being helpful we teach our children to be kind by relating situations where they can help someone in need. Forgiving someone is also a way of being kind to the person. It is a way of being generous at heart and loving unconditionally. As we slowly help children understand the true meaning of forgiveness it will be easier for them to relate to situations. Forgiveness is about being kind, respectful, generous, and loving others, even when they aren’t reciprocating the same way.

Secondly, our children got to know that forgiveness is not an option. “Forgive the sins we have done, just as we have forgiven those who did wrong to us,” (Matthew 6:12).  We teach this verse to our children but do we explain the true meaning? We give it to them authoritatively like a threat, “See if you don’t forgive, Jesus will not forgive you.” Is this the heart of God?

In hurtful situations, we have got to help our children remember God’s love because of which He forgave all our wrongdoings. Even though we deserved punishment God chose to forgive us and accept us. Similarly, as God’s children we have to forgive the ones who have wronged us. We have to remind our children that every time they choose to forgive someone, they are allowing themselves to receive God’s forgiveness in their lives. They slowly begin to be assured of God’s forgiveness in their lives making them live victoriously, guilt-free!

Joseph went through all that he went through only because of his brothers. Through the times of isolation in the pit, prison, I believe he too must have surely had negative emotions and thoughts rushing through his mind. But by the end of it all, he must have retrospect all the events and realised the root coz – his actions, his dreams, his father’s partiality that he enjoyed etc. This reflection could have helped Joseph to a great extent to forgive his brothers when he met them after years.

It is good if we help our children consider why the other person behaved in a certain way and what they might have been feeling at that time to react the way they did. Give them examples from the Bible or even real-life testimonies that reveal the power of forgiveness. Showing them the ‘other perspective’ is not giving an excuse for the other person’s wrong behaviour but an open door that leads our children to cool their anger and allow the Holy Spirit to help them choose to forgive.

The more we talk negatively and repeat the incident negatively the feeling of hate, anger, irritation, and frustration will linger and it becomes impossible to forget. Therefore, the sooner our children are made to recognise the ‘other perspective’ the sooner they will heal and find it easy to forgive.

Joseph forgave his brothers, but he did not trust them easily. When he recognised them, he didn’t disclose his identity. He tested them, and when they stood true to themselves, Joseph not only revealed his identity to them but also showed favour to them.

Forgiveness is not equal to trust. Forgiveness is given, trust is earned, tried and tested over time. We need to help our children understand that they have to forgive everyone who have wronged them but they don’t need to trust them as before. Especially if the offense is serious then it doesn’t mean that they have to spend time with them as before, play with them as before or the offender will go unpunished.

It should be made very clear to our children that forgiveness is a personal choice to no longer hold on to bitterness, hatred, or anger whether the offender apologises or not. Their forgiveness will not release the offender from the consequences of their wrongdoings but it releases them from living a burdened life.

Children should be encouraged to open communication. They should be comfortable to come to us with any concern with fear of being judged or shamed.

Daniel, the young lad was made a slave and brought to a foreign land. He was stripped of his identity, and freedom, yet later brought to a place of high position. Throughout his tenure, he stood for the Living God of Israel because of which he had to suffer a lot yet this young man’s focus was the Living God of Israel. No matter how many times he faced criticism and scorn, Daniel chose to live in peace and joy. Technically though Daniel was a slave in Babylon he was living in freedom. His mind was off the stress of the court politics. His heart was free of all grudges and hatred against the people who always plotted against him. He walked in dignity, in confidence and faith and he could do so because he chose to focus on what God can do and not on what people were doing.

Such examples help our children understand the benefits of forgiveness. They begin to recognise how bitterness can lead to discouragement to an extent of causing physical, mental and spiritual harm. They will realise, with forgiveness comes peace, comfort, love, and joy – in short, living stress-free, living in freedom. This leads them to make the right choice.

If we want our children to learn to forgive, they have got to see us parents do the same. Do our children watch us talk bitterly against the ones who have wronged us? Every time there is a trigger we repeat the incident, mention the person who wronged us and react inappropriately. If so, then this calls us to take this matter seriously and release your heart and forgive. Our children will feel the difference, and see the difference in us.

I have personally seen a family crumble to destruction just because the parents chose not to forgive others, to the extent of holding a grudge against their son and in turn the son not forgiving the parents. Till their death, they never saw their children and grandchildren live happily. They have left behind a legacy of hate, bitterness, anger and unforgiveness and unsurprisingly I see this is passing on to generations.

Our example empowers our children. As parents, it is time we wake up and examine our hearts. Ask ourselves, what is the legacy that we are passing on ahead? We should make every effort to break this chain of unforgiveness, bitterness and hatred. When our children see, us being forgiving to them as well as to others their trust in us is strengthened and they find it easy to be more gracious to us in our weakness. They see the grace of God through us and it becomes easy for them to understand His amazing grace.